Waiting For The Arrival of Your Adopted Cleft-Affected Child

by Joanne Green

These days I am very much a "Lady in Waiting". As I write this I am waiting for my third child. I am not able to caress a bloated stomach, or rub the bump that feels like a head, or even feel the kicking of precious feet that remind me that all is well with my child. I am waiting to adopt my child. She is many thousands of miles away. Time drags by painfully slowly when you are waiting.

This will be my third Korean Child, and also my third child with a cleft. Although I don't wait any better the third time around, I have learned some things that bear sharing. There's much you can do while you are waiting for that darling baby that has a cleft. For those of you who are also waiting, maybe my experience will be of benefit.

You can do some things for your child now, while she is still in her birth country. For instance, I read in my daughter's reports that her nutrition is "poor". She was gaining weight slowly and was extremely underweight and weak. This in not uncommon among cleft children who are awaiting adoptive homes.

If the child is living in an orphanage it is often a problem born of time. It takes considerably longer to feed a child with a cleft using a standard bottle than it does to feed a non-cleft child. Furthermore, many orphanages still prop bottles when feeding infants (a method that simply will not work for a cleft-affected child). The child with a cleft therefore requires more time to feed, which, given the number of children to care for relative to the number of caregivers, often constitutes a real problem.

Immediately after accepting the referral of my daughter I bought a dozen cleft nursers and sent them to Korea. The message that traveled with the nursers was, "Please give three of the twelve nursers to Won Hae Woon [soon to be Jessica]. You may send the rest wherever they are needed."

It is generally okay to send cleft nursers, vitamins, high-protein cereals, etc., to your child in her birth country while you are waiting. But you must follow the proper etiquette. First contact your state-side agency and get permission to send the items. You will most likely have to send them through people working with you to know what you are doing, just out of courtesy.

ALWAYS make your gift one that will benefit many or all of the children, not just your child. I sent two boxes of nursers - more than my daughter needed.

If you send vitamins, send enough for all the children in the orphanage. If you send high-protein cereal, send it by the case (Do not send items such as clothing, toys, etc, while you are waiting. Those are best bought and kept at home for your child's arrival. If you are concerned about such as that, a monetary donation to the agency or orphanage earmarked for clothes, food, or toys would be a more appropriate way to make such a gift if you are not going to travel.)

If you will be traveling to your child's birth country, however, you might be able to use your visit as an opportunity to present a gift to the orphanage. (Remember, they cared for your child for a number of months. This may be a wonderful way to say thanks.) While you are waiting, collecting the items for your gift package may be a fulfilling project. Items that can be collected would include rugged, age-appropriate toys, color books, crayons, blankets and sleepers, clothing in good condition - especially Levis, picture books, over-the-counter first-aid supplies (band-aids, children's Tylenol, etc.) toiletries (soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, etc.). Take your gift package in a collapsible trunk or in boxes that you can dispose of afterward.

Check with your agency before assembling and taking the gift package with you, as some restrictions may prohibit some items.

You can also prepare for your child's arrival by preparing your home and your family. If this will be your first cleft-affected child, you can use this valuable time to learn as much about cleft conditions as possible. You can also visit a local cleft palate clinic and talk with the medical professionals concerning your child (Don't be alarmed, though, if they would prefer to wait to see you child before making any specific reconstruction plans.) You may also want to inform your insurance carrier of your plans to adopt a child with special medical needs.

Share information about cleft with your family and close friends. Show everyone the pictures you have of your new child and let them see the cleft and ask their questions. Acquaint them with proper positive terminology before your child comes home (ie, it's a 'cleft lip', not a 'harelip' and she's a 'child with a cleft' or a 'cleft-affected child'. She is not a 'cleft'). I found that the children in the family had the most questions - or perhaps they voiced the most. They were curious, and the waiting period afforded us the perfect opportunity to satisfy that curiosity. I also made and framed enlargements of my daughter's referral picture. The unspoken - and sometimes spoken - message was, "This is our daughter - Isn't she beautiful!  Oh, that little old thing? It's just a cleft."

Buy a number of cleft nursers and get acquainted with them. Any that you may have sent to your child's birth country will most likely stay there. I always had at least a dozen bottles on hand with each arrival.

The Mead-Johnson nurser costs about $2 per bottle and are purchased in boxes of six. Gerber makes a cleft nipple. Medela produces the Haberman feeder at a cost of about $20 each. Some parents use a Playtex-type disposable nurser and either cut out a section of the bottle's side to allow them to press on the bag, or they fit a small object (rag or paper toweling) into the open end to apply pressure to the bag. I have personally chosen to use the Mead-Johnson nursers with each of my children and have found them to be wonderful. If you choose to use the squeezable bottles, you can further prepare yourself for your child's arrival by exercising the muscles of your arms by squeezing a small rubber ball. It is incredible how tired your arm can get as you pulse-squeeze the sides of a soft plastic bottle!

So, nursers have been sent to my daughter's overseas agency. My plastic surgeon and insurance carrier know that we are expecting another child with a cleft. My family and friends are now old pros at meeting children with clefts. My daughter's picture is on the wall. Her bottles are in the cupboard. My arm is ready for the Olympic Bottle-Squeezing team. And I am waiting.

In the end, nothing helps the waiting but the arrival. Preparing ahead does not cut the waiting time. But it does help the adjustment after the arrival tremendously!

(c) 1996 Wide Smiles
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