BY BIRTH OR BY ADOPTION: IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

(c) 1996 Wide Smiles
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BY BIRTH OR BY ADOPTION: IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

by Joanne Green

I am often asked if there is a difference being a parent by adoption rather than by birth. I have to be honest and say that I couldn't actually know by experience because I have never been a parent by birth. All three of my children were adopted and I have never had the experience of giving birth, therefore I don't actually know what being a parent by birth is like. However, I hasten to add that I cannot begin to imagine how I could love my children more than I do.

While it is true that I did not form them in my womb, they grew in spirit and love in my heart all along. And while there are some "experts" who claim that we could never be truly bonded because we lack the birth experience, I cannot agree with them. I cannot imagine being more fully bonded to any child, regardless of their conceptual origins. (And are they intimating that fathers cannot bond with their children because they do not give birth to them?) My perception is that there cannot be any difference in the quality and quantity of my love for my children, or in their relationship to me.

But there are some aspects that are different. And one area of difference involves my children's birth conditions. And while I can empathize and, in many ways, understand the emotional experience of a parent who has given birth to a child with a craniofacial anomaly, I have not and never will experience that myself.

To begin this discussion, I want to point out a misconception. There are many who have told me that it is different for me because I had a choice. And yes, they are correct, in that I could have said "No, I don't want that child." and waited for another. But for each of my three children there was a "click" - something that told me deep within my being that the child in the photo was in fact MY child. To have said no would have meant saying no to a child that I knew to be mine already.

And, when you get right down to it, we all exercise a choice - some choices being easier to make than others, albeit. But if three mothers in this world had not chosen NOT to parent a cleft-affected child, I could not have made the choice that I made. But after the initial choice, our experiences differ greatly. For me, I never went through the grief process of finding myself the parent of a child I did not expect. I went through the grief earlier of being unable to conceive the child I longed for. Once given the option of adoption, I actually celebrated the whole child - and the whole child included a cleft lip and palate. I was not surprised by the condition. I saw a picture. I knew exactly what it looked like, and I was able to prepare myself, my family and my home before his arrival.

I also never had to ask, "Why me?" I KNOW why me. I said "Yes!" I was asked first whether or not I was willing to parent a child with a cleft and I enthusiastically said yes. Instead of thinking "Why me?" I tend to think, "Why not me?" The first time I said yes, it was out of my desperate need to be a mother. The second and third times I knew all about cleft, and I didn't feel it was enough to say "No" to my child.

I never had to wonder if I may have done anything during gestation that could have contributed to the cleft. I did not carry my child. A related feeling that I have had, however, is the recurring thought that if I HAD carried my child, maybe we could have avoided the cleft. But I really think that that thinking is probably as erroneous as the thought birth mothers have that they somehow caused the cleft. In reality, most clefts are nobody's fault. But that reality does not keep most mothers from thinking otherwise - myself included.

I never felt that I lost control in my life concerning the birth defect. Before the adoption I felt that I had lost some degree of control. Many of my friends had chosen when to get pregnant, and they did. But I couldn't do that. When I was able to adopt, I had REGAINED control. When I knew right away that my son had a cleft, I continued to exercise control by devoting the next few months to researching his condition, researching medical facilities and doctors, and readying my friends and extended family by educating them about the cleft.

Some birth mothers have shared with me that they felt others thought they had done something wrong. Actually, I think that is often a misconception born of their own grief. But my experience is different. Strangers seem to think my husband and I are somehow sainted because we have adopted children with special needs. Again, nothing can be further from the truth. We simply chose to be parents, just like anyone else. We are far from saints. We are blessed, but not sainted.

In many ways our INITIAL experiences may be different, but after that, everything is the same. When my children approach surgery, I feel the same dreaded anticipation that other parents feel. When they awake from surgery, I feel the same desire to take the pain myself. When my child is stared at in public, or when the rude question comes from a total stranger, I cringe and I ache inside.

Just like any other mother, I wish I could make this a better world for my child. And, it is out of my love for my children that I began doing WIDE SMILES. Like every other mother, my children have changed every aspect of my life - for the better, I might add. And just like every other mother, I could not conceive of a worthwhile life without my children.

Is my experience different? In some ways, yes. I didn't go through a typical labor and delivery. Nor did I experience the normal grieving process that accompanies the birth of a challenged child. Is my experience the same? In every way that counts, you bet it is!

------------------------Joanne Green is the mother by adoption of three cleft-affected children. She is also the editor of WIDE SMILES Magazine.