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LIFE GOES ON by Janice
When I was born, my mother cried. My father went out and got drunk. And if that were the end of my story, I would be, among all people, most unfortunate. But it didn't end there. My father came back sober (if a little hung-over) the next day and my mother's tears dried and she saw me through the love that only a mother can have for her child. As it turns out, my parents were terrific. They weren't perfect. They were thrust into a situation that neither of them expected. Certainly neither of them orchestrated it. But when faced with the unexpected, the unplanned, they each rose to the challenge. The mistakes they made were many and small. My mother chose not to talk about my cleft. At a very young age I learned that my mother could treasure my smile, but she could not look at my mouth. Why? As a child I thought I had done something bad - that I had very disobediently been born with a birth defect. When I got older I realized it was because she thought SHE had done something bad. That she somehow caused my cleft, and my pain and my suffering. If I had only known, I could have reassured her that I did not perceive any pain and suffering. I was just me, and all of life was seen from my own unique perspective. And without other referrence I could not have imagined life any other way. Sure, I had my moments. I "used" the cleft issue when I could conveniently do so. ("She doesn't want to be my friend because I'm a cleft!") But in the scheme of things, the reality is, I had plenty of friends, an average number of boyfriends and even a date to my senior prom. There were a lot of girls in my class who could not say the same. Surgeries? I had my share of them. In fact, I had 14 operations by my 18th birthday. And surgery hurts. But the pain goes away. I never did like having surgery, and I always felt a little put out that I had so many of them. But I remember when I was 12 and I was in the hospital over my birthday. A group of my friends organized a birthday party for me and surprised me in the waiting room of the hospital (the nurses were in on it!) They had a big balloon bouquet and a "Birthday milkshake" for me (they stuck a candle in the lid where the straw was supposed to go). My mom passed out transister radios and we all put on earplugs and listened to the same radio station while we passed out real cake to my "guests". The nurses came in and we gave cake to them too. My father was also terrific. He was a strength in my life and I always felt beautiful in his eyes. I remember on the day of my high school graduation, Dad actually cried! He was taking videos at that time and every time he wiped a tear away, the videotape jerked around. We watch it now and roar! Dad cried again, too, on the day I got married. He didn't want to give me away, even though he was deleriously happy with my choice of a husband. Still his little girl, he put his arms around me and told me how much he loved me. I will never forget his words to me: "You have always been my little princess. You were the most beautiful girl in the world." Now I am pregnant. Next month I will be able to have a sonogram done to determine if my own prince or princess will have a cleft. And I wonder why I need to know. What would I do if my baby does have a cleft? Was my life so rotten that I couldn't wish it on my child? Not at all. But do I view it as something I experienced myself, but would rather spare my baby? Yes, I would rather have a baby that would not have to deal with a cleft. But dealing with a cleft is not the most horrible fate in life. If my baby has a cleft I will have time to prepare for that. I already know from what I have read in WIDE SMILES that cleft repair is nothing at all like it was when I was growing up. Not as many surgeries. Not so much "down time". Some procedures are even done outpatient. Will my baby be teased if there is a cleft? Maybe. I was teased too. Sometimes I was teased because of my cleft. More often I was teased because of my red hair. (What if my baby has red hair?!) If my baby has a cleft I will probably not cry - not at first, maybe. And I know my husband will not go out and get drunk. And I will be ready to talk about it with my baby and not pretend to protect him. But beyond those differences, I hope with all my heart that I am the kind of parent my parents were. They didn't do at all bad!
Editor's note: Shortly after this article was written Janice's sonogram was inconclulsive concerning the presence or absence of a cleft. A month later another high-level sonogram was done, and they rejoiced to see a beautiful picture of a perfectly-formed little face. Janice reports that she is happy to know that her child (the soon-to-be Eddie Stanley) will not be born with a cleft, but she feels she may someday choose to adopt a cleft-affected child because "who could be more able to deal with a cleft but a mom who has been there herself?"