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John's Story
Howdy,
My name is John. I'm 26 years old and was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. I am the youngest of three children, a brother 5 years older than myself, and a sister 3 years older. There was no history of cleft lip and palate in our family, so naturally my parents were shocked when I was born. But I could not ask for better parents who loved and nurtured me throughout my entire growing up years and never once made me feel different or inferior in any way. I come from a very strong Christian home and the knowledge that one day, when God comes, I will be made new in body, as well as soul, is always a wonderful comfort.
My mother home schooled all of us children when I was small, so I don't recall any negative reactions from others until I was quite a bit older. My parents were missionaries in the Middle East and in Africa from the time I was 6 until I was 14 and these were the best years of my life. I never felt as if I was different from other people and simply accepted my cleft as being part of me. The other missionary kids treated me normally and to be quite honest, I can't even remember any of them commenting on my cleft. I went to an overseas missionary school for 6th and 7th grade after being home schooled, and did well academically. I was often a leader with the other children when it came to choosing what games we would play.
I suppose you could say my troubles began when at the age of 14 we moved back to the US. I went to a very large church school for my 8th grade year. Not only was I trying to get used to being in a totally new culture (my own!) after being removed for it for so long, but I realized that children in the US can be very cruel. I am a keen observer of human behavior, and what hurt the most was when I would notice kids talking and snickering and staring at me. I knew they were talking about me. I wished that they would have simply come up to me and openly asked me what had happened to my face and I would have been glad to tell them. Sometimes I would overhear their conversations. Once I remember hearing a boy saying it looked as if I had snot running out of my nose. Getting used to a new culture and finding out I really had no clue about it, on top of all of this was quite stressful, and I became very shy. This shyness has been something I've had to work on to this day, though the last 5 years have been much easier.
We moved to another state for my high school years. I went through all 4 years of highschool at a private boarding Christian school, though we lived near the school, so I was a village student. It was here that I began to really become interested in girls, and had some very difficult times. I can remember one girl whispering to another as they passed me in the hall, "He scares me." Another time as I was coming down the stairs, I passed two female classmates who smiled and said hello, but after they passed, I heard them laughing, and one girl stated, "he is so UGLY!" There were other similar inidents which I will not go into. I only went on one date in highschool and that was a Christmas banquet where girls ask guys and someone who I barely knew asked me out. I felt I had been asked because I was a last resort and she knew I was kind and wouldn't say no. I had never thought of myself as ugly or as difficult to look at simply because my family had never made me feel that way. So naturally these events were very damaging to my self esteem, and all during the teen years when people are generally unsure of themselves as it is. To this day I still have difficulty asking young ladies out on dates. I am completing my Occupational Therapy degree currently, and feel that despite the hardships of the past, I am doing well. I'd be interested in hearing from other people with cleft lips whether they have had difficulty finding acceptance with the opposite sex.
Despite the above mentioned experiences, you may be shocked to hear that I actually praise God for allowing me to be born with a cleft. Even though I continue to struggle with self esteem issues, this has taught me so much about compassion toward other humans. I would not be the person I am today had it not been for my cleft. It has also taught me continued dependence on God. Thanks for this web sight. This is my first time visiting it, and so far I think it is really great. To all you parents out there with young children who have clefts, remember, God has given you a very special child to raise for Him! If any of you parents are interested, I'd like to write to your kids, just to kind of like be a big brother to them and let them know there are others out there who have experienced what they are going through. My email address is: kilmjoh@juno.com