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Rachel's Story, posted August 2002
Hello, my name is Rachel. I am soon to be 23, and expecting my first child. I have a unilateral cleft lip and palate, My mother was definitely not prepared for what I brought forward. She had lost her mom while pregnant for me, and she only gained about 9 pounds while pregnant. I am now 4'11 and under 90 pounds. I take after that grandmother I never met. She was barely 5 feet. I have not really thought about my cleft for a long while. I had great doctors, and my mother made them do everything they could for me. Not too many people notice the tiny scar I bare. I have no troubles with the guys, I feel better now then I have ever felt in all of my life.
My childhood was great until about grade three when children started noticing my face and wondering what was wrong. There were a very select few who really made schooling tough. I got made fun of for years to come after that. I never realized just how cruel and mean children could be. I used to be so mad at god for making me look the way I did. One boy came to my school in grade five and tormented me continuously for the next four years.
In high school I had a couple of great friends. I was never a "loner" I was friendly and nice, but I was shy around guys for years. I made the cheerleading squad the first year of high school and then in grade 11 I was the first female to join the wrestling team. I did really well and this was a good booster for my self-esteem and for my ego. I told all the doctors I was not having anymore surgeries. I would stay the way I was. Shortly after that I opened my locker and a note fell out. I wish to this day I knew who wrote it. This letter was the meanest, most vicious letter. This person told me that with the face I had I should just end my life, it was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever done, I remember reading the first line, I told myself to stop reading, but I couldn't. My body started to shake and I felt my face getting really hot, the tears formed and I felt so hopeless and full of sadness. I went outside, sat on the curb and cried my heart out. I was so upset, I called my mom and begged her to let me come home, I couldn't get the words out to explain why, inside, my heart just couldn't do it.
That was honestly the lowest point in my life. My mother made me stay at school even after she read that letter in the principal's office. She said "don't let them know they got to you" Walking through the halls I pretended to look like everything was normal, but deep down I was dying inside. It was at the end of that very day I made the decision to complete the last few surgeries to make me look "normal". A week before my last year of high school I had my jaw redone. I begged my mother to let me take the semester off as I looked terrible. My face is small so after the surgery, the swelling was huge. I honestly looked like an ape. My jaw was suppose to be wired shut for 6 weeks, it ended up being 9-1/2 weeks. I remember walking through the doors that first day and everyone stared. Nobody hid the looks or comments.
I was honestly devastated. I could not eat, except for liquids and I made such a mess, so I never entered the cafeteria. My friends were supportive and I actually made more friends during my classes. They thought it was cool that I didn't have to talk in class, and were curious about my surgery. The following year, again, the week before college started, I had my nose redone. This gave me the two worst black eyes I had ever had, a lot of swelling, and a plastic cast taped onto my nose. This time entering the halls was different. People looked with curiosity but did not stare or comment.
A few people joked around about my huge purple and red eyes. It was as if they already knew it was surgery, not some accident, or form of physical abuse. College was great. I did well, graduated with honors and met the greatest friends. I dated a lot and worked steady jobs. My social life took off at 17 and at 23 it is still going strong. I love the bars and dancing all night long. I have no problems with my self confidence or self image, don't get me wrong, I am a typical girl, we all worry, but I don't have this huge weight on my shoulders anymore. Even though there is no excuse for the cruelty of that letter, and the person was to cowardly to ever confront me, it was an eye opener, it made me see that even though I thought I looked okay, others didn't. That was a problem I would not accept. It was this painful letter that lead me to make the decision to go on with the rest of my surgeries. I wanted to fit into society's norms and I wanted to look good.
I will never forget the cruelty of others, and I have become a stronger person because of all the life experiences I have endured. I vowed when I was a little girl, that I would never ever hurt someone the way those kids hurt me. I have defended a lot of others who were being teased and I lost respect for those who did the teasing. That boy, from grade five, he apologized years later and asked for forgiveness, I can let it go, but I will never forget. Children do not need the teasing and bullying that goes on in and around the school yard. This is the learning years that shapes them into who they will become later on in life. I went on to college to study Child and Youth Work, I am committed to helping others in anyway I can, to lead and guide them through that awkward stage that a lot of children and youth seem to get lost in. I am only 2 months pregnant, and since day one I have been wondering, will my child have to go through all that I went through? I would not wish this upon anyone, let alone my very own little precious child. I have been to genetics counselors, and a few doctors, and I know that the risk is a bit higher. I will find out before my child comes into this world so I can be knowledgeable and prepared. I am grateful towards my mother now for everything she has ever done for me. My Mother was the only person there for me through every single surgery, and she held me whenever the tears fell. Yes, at times, I tried to get her to let me stay hidden, but she pushed me to excel and taught me not to ever give up and to go for what I want in life. She is my mother and I love her more than life itself, I know that I will love my child unconditionally, and if by chance or risk that cleft lip affects my baby, I will be ready and prepared to help my child live through and eventually overcome the Cleft Lip and/or Palate, still...every night I pray that he or she will come out completely healthy and without a Cleft....
Thank you for "listening" to my story.
Feel free to email questions or comments to me at canadianrach1979@hotmail.com